Happiness

I went to a discussion meeting yesterday where the topic was happiness. For those that don’t go to AA, discussion meetings are where a topic is thrown out and people take turns speaking on it.  I didn’t speak yesterday. It was a big group and I still feel a bit shy in it, so I listened despite having a lot to say.

I didn’t really get sober to be “happy” at least not happy in the way I’ve always thought of it as. I always had this mental picture of happy being a like a sit com or romance novel. I’ve come to view those desires as unrealistic.

I got sober to not be miserable. To not be up and down. To not have crying fits and violent episodes. To not pass out. To not pee in public. To not make choices and act in ways inconsistent with my morals. Someone expressed it as not seeing happiness but Serenity. To me it is less about being happy than about being sane.

Sane is super foreign to me though. It feels awkward and weird. I feel like I’m in a pause waiting for life. I have trouble accepting calm as good.

I’m staying sober though. I’m waiting to get comfortable being here.

Day 86

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One thought on “Happiness

  1. Contentment is it for me. When I experienced it about 10 to 12 months in I had no idea what it was. It knew it wasn’t happiness, which I think caught me off guard because that’s what I was expecting. It was the most wonderful state of being I had ever experienced. I think precisely because it wasn’t extreme in any way. I’m pretty sure it’s what others call serenity. Either way, it’s the sensation that I seek as an optimal state of being. It’s tricky. It can be elusive. But if that’s where I’m headed I know I’m going in the right direction.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 3 people

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