I went to a discussion meeting yesterday where the topic was happiness. For those that don’t go to AA, discussion meetings are where a topic is thrown out and people take turns speaking on it.  I didn’t speak yesterday. It was a big group and I still feel a bit shy in it, so I listened despite having a lot to say.

I didn’t really get sober to be “happy” at least not happy in the way I’ve always thought of it as. I always had this mental picture of happy being a like a sit com or romance novel. I’ve come to view those desires as unrealistic.

I got sober to not be miserable. To not be up and down. To not have crying fits and violent episodes. To not pass out. To not pee in public. To not make choices and act in ways inconsistent with my morals. Someone expressed it as not seeing happiness but Serenity. To me it is less about being happy than about being sane.

Sane is super foreign to me though. It feels awkward and weird. I feel like I’m in a pause waiting for life. I have trouble accepting calm as good.

I’m staying sober though. I’m waiting to get comfortable being here.

Day 86