My girlfriends and I do occasional ladies nights. Sometimes they consist of hanging out at home, games, and kitchen dance parties. Other times they involve going out or karaoke. They always generally involve binge drinking, to the point where more than once cleaning of vomit was necessary.
There was one scheduled to be at held at my house this past Saturday since before I was sober. I had one friend who had stayed with me since Thursday. Three others came and we went to a beautiful outdoor spot to take pictures of each other (a mix of nice ones and silly fun ones). A couple people expressed self consciousness and mentioned they would have felt more comfortable posing if they’d drank a bit first.
We then went back to the house. A couple people were drinking but three of us weren’t. In addition to me one of my friends is on a medication she can’t mix with alcohol and another is hardcore dieting. We had some wonderful food and conversation and a fire in the back yard.
Two more friends showed up, the ones that are generally the heaviest drinkers. They’d been at another event, out in the sun all day, and had already drank and then sobered up once. They drank but not much.
I learned I’m horrible and peer pressure people when I’m sober. I guess I’m used to being the fun girl who pulls everyone into being a bit crazier,and when I can’t do it and no one else is stepping up I feel like that means people aren’t having fun, and I have a responsibility to try to get them to. In my mind that equals drinking. I’m not sure if that is realistic or not. Part of me suspects I was the person least comfortable with the event as a whole being more low key.
It was the most tempted I’ve been to drink. Not as much because I was tempted to feel the way I do when I drink but more because I was tempted to be the person I am when I’m in the sweet spot of just a bit buzzed (which sadly always eventually gets to the less than sweet spot of way too drunk). I feel like people like that me more.
I also wrestled with part of me feeling like if I’ve gone this long without drinking maybe I can drink very occasionally and then got back to not drinking. That even if I know I’ll binge drink, as long as nothing really bad happened would it be a big deal?
The smart part of me realized that I’d start moving my “very occasional” special events closer and closer together.. then, assuming nothing really bad happened, say that if I can do that then occasionally at dinner or out to eat is ok too, and it would drift back to all the time till the next crisis.
The smart part of me won. Still sober day 45.